It must be my age I guess… but I do sometimes get the urge to do some outrageous things. Obviously, I don’t act upon 99% of these urges, but these thoughts do cross my mind. So I've coined a new phrase, 'controllable urges, we all have them...'
So here goes. Please don’t judge me to harshly, these are only thoughts. Thoughts that would normally remain locked deep inside my rather warped, politically incorrect, brain.
Someone walking towards me looking down at their phone. Texting, or reading something. When they are close enough, I get the overwhelming urge to slap the phone out of their hand. As it is, I just clench a fist and my jaw and casually walk round them.
Annoying kids that are not related to you. Have you ever been at a function and there’s a small child being rude and a general pain the arse? On one occasion I remember one such child, after breaking around 10 glasses by pulling a table cloth, spat on the hosts dog, then ran towards me and punched me in the testicles. The mother’s only comment was, and I quote, “she’s not being naughty, she can just be a little precocious at times”. I wanted to say, “Precocious? The girl is an obnoxious little shit who could do with being taught some boundaries and failing that a good slap wouldn’t go amiss”. But of course, I didn’t say that, I just smiled politely whilst trying to adjust my pummelled plums without the other guests thinking I was playing with myself. I will point out that I never hit any of my kids or grandkids, but the urge to give that 4-year-old girl a cuff to the ear was very strong indeed. Obviously, I didn’t follow that urge, but it was definitely there.
What do you think so far? Am I just a latent, undiagnosed psycho? Probably, but let’s move on.
I live in Almuñécar just south of Granada in Spain. A beautiful seaside town which has recently, like most other towns throughout the world, seen a huge influx of electric scooters gliding around the streets. Whilst driving I often find I’m behind one (or even two) of these things, with a youth weaving around, ear buds in, no mirrors. The urge just to put my foot down and just splatter the rider and the scooter, is very strong. Once again, I don’t do it… that would be insane, but it’s just there, niggling at the back of my mind.
The final one, bearing in mind I could go on for hours about this subject, is when you are in a supermarket waiting in the check-out line and the person being served in front of you is an elderly woman. The total cost of her purchases is 8.64 euros. She opens her purse and completely ignores the 10 euro note and starts by placing a 5 euro note in the hand of the cashier, then proceeds to count out the remaining 3.64 euros from the multitude of loose change in her purse. Five minutes in when she’s just taken back a 50-cent coin to replace it with smaller coins to the same value, the urge to either shout at her “Just hand over the bloody 10 euro note so we can all go home”. Or even hand over a 10 euro note myself and say to her “Just pack your shopping and piss off!”.
As it is, I just stand there and when she looks across at me apologetically, I just say, “No te preocupes guapa, no tengo prisa”, with what I hope is a patient looking, winning smile plastered on my face.
Anyway readers, sorry about that, just had to get it off my chest. I’m sorry if anyone is offended by my deepest and darkest thoughts (believe me there’s a lot worse going on in there than I’ll ever reveal in these pages). But I was just curious… Is it just me? Or are 80 or 90 percent of us walking about thing these, or very similar, thoughts about life’s daily trials?
I hope you’ll join me for the next instalment. This one was supposed to be about sex, but I got a little side-tracked. And besides, I don’t have much to say on the subject of sex, especially at 65-years-old.
Although, my wife and I do occasionally have sex… usually when she wants to time a soft boiled egg.
Adios!
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